What's left of me?
by Take Me Back To Gallifrey
Summary: How do you cope without the one you love? John Cena tries to figure out the answer to that question. Oneshot. mentions of suicide so you have been warned.


Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one you recognise.

Hey there hunnies. This is another oneshot that jumped out of my head yesterday for some reason. The title comes from the Nick Lachey song.

* * *

**What's left of me?**

The clouds in the sky seemed to almost be reflecting his mood as he stood in the pouring rain. He should be cold but he didn't feel it, he barely felt anything anymore. He thought she was happy, of course she'd had problems just like everyone else but he thought she'd get through it, she'd be ok. None of what had happened in the past 2 weeks made any sense to him, he tried so hard to understand why she'd done it, what she'd been going through but it all seemed so wrong to him.

John's normally bright blue eyes looked lifeless and dull as he let himself be led away from her grave side. He looked down at his feet as he walked back to the car, Randy was close by his side but John hardly noticed. He got in the car and leaned his head on the window as the driver started the engine. Randy got in beside John, he sent him a sympathetic look which was ignored, John had seen too many people look at him like that lately, like they thought he was going to break any minute, he didn't want them thinking that even though they might be right.

He watched the trees and houses out of the window as they drove, he saw people going about their lives like they always did, people who had no idea who he was, who she had been or how much his heart was breaking. The car stopped outside Randy's house, John had been staying there, and he couldn't bear to be in his own house yet, not after what he'd seen there. He walked silently into his friend's house and straight to his room, paying no attention to the faces watching him.

* * *

John sat on the edge of the bed, he'd hardly slept in 2 weeks, and every time he closed his eyes he saw her, Kasey. She was the most amazing person he'd ever met, funny, bright talented and beautiful. They'd know each other since they were kids, Kasey was always a tomboy, she'd climb trees, get muddy and run around with all the guys. John had lost touch with her as they grew up but they reconnected after her parents were killed in a car accident. She'd been devastated and for reasons neither of them could explain John was the only one who'd been able to help her pick up the pieces. They'd been inseparable after that; they spent as much time together as John's schedule would let them. John wished he'd spent more time with her, maybe he would've noticed something, seen the signs that something was wrong but he didn't, she needed him and he wasn't there for her.

John closed his eyes as all the memories overwhelmed him. As hard as he tried to block it out all he could think about was the day he came home and found her. He'd never forget that day, that moment, she would have looked like she was asleep if it wasn't for the blood from her slashed wrists, and she was still holding the knife in her right hand.

He took a shaky breath and ran his hands over his short hair. For the first time in his life he felt lost, he wanted to hold her and see her smile again.

Randy knocked on the door but John ignored him. Randy sighed as he walked away from the door, he wanted to help his friend but he had no idea how to, he'd never gone through what John was going through right now. He walked sadly downstairs.

* * *

"How is he?" Torrie Wilson asked as she sat with Candice and Maria. All 3 divas eyes were red from crying.

"I don't know…I think he might be asleep" Randy said as he sat down.

"I hope so, I don't think he's slept more than 3 hours these last couple of weeks…I'm really worried about him" Maria said quietly.

"We all are Ria" Candice replied softly.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do to help him…I don't even know what to say to him anymore" Randy said sadly.

"Sometimes it doesn't matter what you say…all that matters is that you're there for him" Torrie said. They sat in silence for a while. Randy kept looking at the clock. People kept coming and going, asking how John was but no one could answer.

* * *

John was getting changed out of his suit, he never did feel comfortable in a suit and especially not today. He looked in the mirror then wished he hadn't, he hardly even looked like himself anymore, there was no sparkle in his blue eyes. He hated her for making him feel like this, for screwing up his life and for leaving him on his own. It was still raining outside, John was glad, he didn't want to see sunshine, he wanted the world to be miserable, and he wanted everyone to feel as bad as he did. He lay down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling until he started drifting off to sleep.

John was woken a little while later by soft knocking on the door. He was going to ignore it and go back to sleep until he heard a quiet voice from the other side of the door.

"John, its Maria…you don't have to talk if you don't want to I just wanna see if you're ok" Maria said softly. Maria and Kasey had gotten to be pretty close friends when Kasey had gone out on the road with John; he knew Maria missed her too. He got up and opened the door. Maria smiled a little at him before she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly. She could feel his tears as he rested his head on her shoulder, she wanted to cry with him but she had to be strong. She slowly guided him back to the bed and watched him closely as he sat down. He didn't look like himself, he looked broken and it scared her to see him like that.

"What am I supposed to do Ria?" he asked sadly as he looked at her, nothing but sorrow in his blue eyes.

"I don't know John…no one really knows the answer to that" she replied softly as she sat next to him.

"Why didn't I see it? My girlfriend was suicidal and I was too busy to notice" he said as he put his head in his hands.

"It wasn't your fault…none of us saw it…no one knew what she was going through" Maria said quietly.

"I should have…what kind of boyfriend was I? I was never there when she needed me…why did she do this Ria? Why did she leave me on my own?" tears spilled down his exhausted face as the brunette wrapped her arms around him and held him as he buried his face in the crook of her neck and cried.

* * *

30 minutes later John had cried himself to sleep as Maria quietly closed his door and walked back downstairs. She was crying by the time she reached the last step.

"Aw Ria…come here" Torrie said softly as she put an arm around her friends shoulders.

"I'm ok Torr, it's just all so wrong…John doesn't deserve to be going through this" Maria sniffed.

"No one ever does sweetie" Candice said quietly as she handed Maria a tissue.

John slept for almost 10 hours, he still felt shattered and exhausted when he woke up. He looked over at the clock, 4.30am. He knew Randy would still be asleep and he wasn't sure if Maria was still there. He wanted to be around people but he knew if he was he'd want to be alone. It wasn't supposed to be like this, his life was far from perfect but it wasn't meant to be this messed up. He got out of bed and looked for the note he'd read everyday for 2 weeks, the note that had torn his heart out.

_My darling John_

_I want you to know I love you, I will never stop loving you but I can't go on like this, I've never been good enough for you, all I do is hold you back. You don't know this but I cry every day over nothing. I don't know what's wrong with me anymore; I don't even know who I am. I've wanted you to see that something's wrong but I'm too scared to show you. I don't want to ruin your life but I know I will eventually. I feel like I'm in so many pieces that I just can't put myself back together no matter how hard I try. It doesn't hurt as much when I'm with you but when you're gone there's no one to tell me I'm ok. I can't feel like this anymore and I can't keep depending on you and hurting you like this. I love you so much baby, I want you to be happy and have a good life. Don't be sad, you'll all be better off without me. Don't hate me; this is the best thing for everyone._

_I love you John. Goodbye._

John's whole body shook as he cried. She'd been everything to him and he'd let her down. He should have been able to help her, he kept going over everything in his head, trying to remember anything she'd said or done that might have given him some clue to what was going on in her head but everything was so mixed up. He looked at the picture of her that he always carried with him.

"Kasey…why did you do it baby? I could've helped you. How am I supposed to get over you? I miss you so much baby" he traced the image of her face with his fingertips as tears landed on the picture.

* * *

Randy got up a few hours later and started making breakfast. He was a little bit startled when John walked into the kitchen.

"Hey man…did you manage to get some sleep?" Randy asked. He knew John had slept but he needed to start a conversation.

"A little" he said quietly as he sat down. The sunlight his face and Randy noticed how pale he looked.

"I'm making some breakfast if you want some" Randy said brightly. John just shrugged. Randy sighed.

"Maria should be up soon" the young legend killer said. John tried to force a weak smile. None of this really mattered anymore; all he wanted was to have Kasey back in his arms. He didn't want to cry anymore, he didn't want to hurt but he couldn't make it stop. Tears fell down his face; Randy didn't know what to do so he just put a hand on his friends shoulder.

"It'll be ok man…you'll get through this" Randy said quietly as John sobbed.

"Doesn't feel real…this is just a nightmare I can't wake up from. When I found her…for a few seconds I wanted to go with her…I wanted to die Randy. I love her so much that I wanted to die with her" John said softly as tears continued to pour down his face. Maria had come downstairs and heard this, Randy looked over at her, shock and fear written on his face. Maria walked over to John and held him tightly.

"Shh shh it's ok John" she said softly as she stroked his head.

"What do I do without her Ria?...what's left of me?" he asked as he sobbed in Maria's arms.

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ok did it suck? well even if you thought it sucked plz reveiw anyway :) 


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